Who hasn’t been captivated by the grounded, sensual vibes of their yoga instructor at some point or another?
We all prop our yoga teachers up on pedestals in one way or another for many different reasons. Them, with their glowing skin, knowing eyes, rounded heart, and taunting words of wisdom that are all, clearly, directed specifically at you!
But alas, it’s not a great idea to go around dating your yoga teacher. Here are a few classy reasons for us whimsy-eyed students not to date our gloriously glistening yoga instructors, and I provide these as a student and a teacher myself, so you know, that I know, that these are all accurate claims!
1. You’ll Get Distracted
First up, what is this going to do for your yoga practice? You will always be distracted in class. It will never feel the same again!
You know what this person looks like naked now…And why is he touching that girl’s ass in Child’s Pose!? Now you’re distracted and jealous! Breathe yogi, breathe.
2. More Attention, or Probably None at All
After the first date they will either give you so much more attention on your mat that it gets awkward, or they will avoid your mat completely and offer you no help at all so no one gets “suspicious.” It’ll be a bummer either way!
3. They Might Be Too Bendy For You — Physically and Emotionally
Your instructor is way too bendy for you… physically yes- but emotionally too. You simply can’t compete with that pretzel shape she metaphorically becomes after her 5pm seaweed snack and meditation.
4. It Could Get Confusing
They will never tell you that you are right… Or wrong.
5. They Can Be Too Zen to Argue Over ‘Couple Stuff’
They are too flexible to commit one way or another on any topic, and frankly “It’s not in the yogi’s nature to argue — just to listen.”
This will in turn make you look bad as all you will want to do is argue with someone who is sitting quietly and smiling at you while you run your mouth. Oh dear…
6. Conversations Can Get Deep and Yogic
Every conversation will go deep and end with a mantra, or will circle back to one of the 8 limb ideals.
“Well, if you eat that vegan doughnut you are practicing Ahimsa, non-violence to self, by allowing yourself a special treat. Oh you don’t want a doughnut… well, if you don’t eat the doughnut, you are still practicing Ahimsa, by not choosing a food that will clog your arteries and make you fat, vegan or non-vegan.”
7. Time Becomes Bendy Too
S/he will be late…a lot (even though you gave them that snazzy watch for their birthday). Because time is relative, and the universe has a plan for them regardless if it is 6:15pm or 6:43pm.
“…If I was supposed to be on time, I would have been on time. Our place on this planet is inconsequential to that of the buzzing universe that surrounds us, babe.”
8. They Might Be a Little TOO Open to Possibilities
They will constantly change their mind at the last minute saying it’s all part of the easy flowin’ lifestyle.
“Let’s just go with the flow of nature, babe. Chill out, drink some kale and parsley juice — or no actually have some of this carrot and chia juice — no, no let’s get sushi!”
9. Goodbye Back Rubs, Hello Asana Assists
Back massages will no longer be a thing. From date number one you will only get “yoga assists.” Instead of a good shoulder rub, they will manipulate your arms and legs in and out of Eagle and Pigeon while you lie confused and disappointed on the ground.
10. You’ll Have a House Full of Yoga Mats
If you ever move in together, your house will be full of nothing but yoga mats. No couch, no TV, no stove. Just yoga mats, floor to ceiling. Scratch that – these mats will begin invading your own living space within about a month.
You won’t see them arrive, they will just appear.
11. No Late-Night Junk Food Runs
You will no longer be able to grocery shop at the local 7-11 at 10:30pm on a Friday night. Busted.
12. That Frikkin’ Red Scarf
Out of nowhere they will be carrying around a red scarf that indicates no one can talk to them, or expect them to communicate with others in any way, shape or form.
This will inevitably happen at awkward times like when your parents are in town or when your boss invites you over for dinner.
13. Yoga Stretches Anytime, Anywhere
A yoga teacher cannot watch a movie without doing several hamstring stretches and spinal twists. Theatre or not, they will complain about feeling stiff (yeah ok…because you didn’t just teach 3 hot yoga classes today and wrap your leg around your head before dinner for an insta-challenge photo).
Your new beau will get up mid-scene to throw up some Peaceful Warriors or hanker down in a full split regardless of whose vision their foot is blocking.
14. Insta-Ready Yoga Photos Everywhere
You will either become jealous of their camera tripod or selfie stick consuming all their time while you are out hiking or at the beach, or you will spend so much time behind the camera that you become a master yoga photographer.
I could go all night. It’s just plain a bad idea to date your yoga teacher — trust me! I don’t make a good date as a teacher, and as a student, I am very wary of any of us dating yoga instructors. Instead I’ll meet you at the local 7-11 at 10:30pm on Friday and we can eat doughnuts and chat about why your new RYT-200 hubby is pressing down on people’s round butts in Child’s Pose. See you there — I’ll be the one in leggings holding kale juice trying to decide between the 4-day-old banana or the coconut water!